Episode 23 - "Itsy, Bitsy Spider"

Episode 23 - “Itsy, Bitsy Spider”

No announcements or extra chit-chat this week, let's get straight into the episode.

RECAP

We kick things off this time with our heroes harassing all the other students to sign a petition to stop the city council from tearing down some old shitty statue to put up a BBQ pit. Bulk points out that Trini is retarded and that BBQ sounds really fucking good. I have to agree with the fat man on this one. Anyway, Trini and Billy explain that the statue was put up to protect the people from insects with magic. FUCK. Now I want the city to knock over both the statue and the crazy broad babbling all this pseudoscientific bullshit. The best part is that they show a big hairy spider to illustrate the concept of insects. SPIDERS ARE ARACHNIDS YOU STUPID BITCH. Anyway, Bulk decides to be a dick and empties the terrariums full of maggots, grubs, spiders and other bugs into the air onto the heads of the other students. Everyone freaks out and Kimberly tells the fat man and his sidekick that what goes around, comes around (meaning at some point a bug is gonna fuck with these guys at some point today.)

Meanwhile, Squatt, Baboo and a bunch of putties are stealing the very same statue that Trini and Billy were trying to save. I wonder if that means Rita is going to use a big insect monster this week?

Back at school, there is some idle chitchat about there being a few ants still missing. (This is called exposition) Kimberly suggests they have a picnic and the ants will just come marching back. Shut the fuck up Kimberly. Billy walks up with a little white mouse in his hands for some reason. He explains that the mouse is his research assistant. Enter Bulk and Skull who throw a book at Billy causing Billy to drop the mouse. The mouse runs up Skull's pants and Skull dances around like an asshole until Billy retrieves the mouse. More than five minutes in and NOTHING has happened so far. This does not bode well.

On the moon, the goonies are admiring the statue that Squatt and Baboo stole. Rita screams at Finster to create a spider monster, then they're going to stash it inside an exact duplicate of the statue they stole (along with some spiders and moths for some reason) the moths are going to sprinkle sleeping powder to put everyone (including the power rangers) to sleep! The best thing about this scene is that you can see the tire of Rita's bicycle in the foreground the whole time.

While this is going on, the rangers (minus Tommy and Zack who are teaching classes or something) are hanging out in a field (Billy wearing a bitchin' safari hat) catching bugs. Suddenly, they are attacked by putty patrollers. There is a mediocre fight sequence involving Billy swinging a putty around with his butterfly net by the head.

At a different field, Zack is teaching a dancing class (at least I think that's what he's doing. He's dancing and there's a bunch of kids standing around watching him. Which is a really terrible way to teach somebody anything.) Zack explains the secret to martial arts is funkier music. He goes to put on some really funky jams and discovers he left the cassette (aw, how quaint) in his car. He goes to get it and while he's gone a bunch of moths fly in and sprinkle sleeping powder on his students. Zack returns to find all his young wards fast asleep. He radios Zordon who explains that the moths are made of sleeping powder and that Zack must go after them. Zack points out that he probably shouldn't be leaving a bunch of sleeping 10 year old boys alone in the middle of the park, but Zordon says he'll keep an eye on them. I'm sure that will go over very well if one of their parents finds them. “It's ok that I left your child in a coma in the park, my friend the giant floating head was watching them on his crystal ball!” Sheesh. Zack remembers the bullshit Trini was telling him earlier about the magical statue that protects people from insects. He runs over to it but discovers that the statue in the park isn't the real one! It's supposed to have a flower in its hair, and it has a snake!!!

IT'S MORPHIN' TIME FOR JUST ZACK! EVEN THOUGH HE'S ONLY SUPPOSED TO USE HIS POWERS IN AN EMERGENCY AND A STATUE WITH THE WRONG HEAD DECORATION DOESN'T REALLY SEEM LIKE A GOOD USE OF THIS POWER... I MEAN, I'M JUST SAYIN...

Zack decides the best way to get to the bottom of everything is to shoot the statue with his axe-cannon. (Obviously.) The statue shatters and reveals the spider monster lurking within. “Aw man, I knew it!” moans Zack. My question is this: if you knew that was going to happen... WHY DID YOU DO IT?! The spider monster (which looks nothing like a spider) jumps into action and is joined by Goldar!

Meanwhile, the other rangers (minus Tommy) are still dicking around in the field playing with bugs. Zordon calls them and tells them to get their butts to the statue because Zack is getting pwned.

IT'S MORPHIN' TIME BECAUSE IT'S AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY!

The rangers start sparring with the spider (apparently Goldar is just hanging out watching now, because he's not fighting) and then Rita decides to MAKE HER MONSTER GROW! So, now we have a really big spider monster who looks nothing like a spider.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER NOW!!!

Again, noone has bothered to call Tommy. The guy almost defeated all 5 of them BY HIMSELF and they don't bother to get his help. Fools. Anyway, the rangers sans Zack summon Megazord and lock it into battle-mode. The spider waits patiently for it to finish transforming before launching any kind of assault. Megazord uses the devastating “punch you in the face” maneuver and knocks the spider on its ass. Not to be beaten that easily, the spider shoots some sticky webs at the megazord which makes it fall over. Jason counters this by having all the zords disengage from the megazord and go back to individual mode. They all start using their individual powers to battle the spider. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be doing the trick. They just aren't powerful enough to defeat the hairy bugger. Jason contacts Zordon to whine that they need Tommy. (Told ya)

IT'S TOMMY'S MORPHIN' TIME AND ALSO DRAGONZORD POWER NOW!

The Dragonzord is so cool. He does like cool tail swipey moves and big punches and stuff, it's pretty cool. Anyway, the spider monster uses his web move again, but Tommy counters with the awesome finger rocket-launcher. Jason suggests they summon the MEGA-Dragonzord. Which is also awesome. Everything about this show gets cooler when the Dragonzord gets involved. He does a big lazer-lance style move and blows the spider up. Nice.

Zack runs back to the park as his comatose students are waking up and acts like nothing happens. The kids just kind of go with it, seems weird I know.

The next day, Trini announces that the city council has decided to keep the statue up! Who gives a shit. Zack tells everyone that he's finally over his fear of spiders, but wait... what's that on your shoulder Zack?! WHOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH. Terriffic.

THE GOOD

All the Dragonzord stuff

THE BAD

SPIDERS ARE ARACHNIDS

THE HILARIOUS

The statue saves people from bugs. WTF?

Not a great episode, but not the worst either. I give it a 3 out 5 power-coins.

That's it for this week. See you on tuesday.

Episode 22 - "The Trouble With Shellshock"

Episode 22 - “The Trouble With Shellshock”

It's been a week, but I'm back and ready to rocket. Before I do I'll just briefly mention the movie I just saw. (Well, saw twice now.) I can not put into words how highly I recommend “Scott Pilgrim VS The World” to you all. It's the best movie I've seen all year and a definite contender for favorite of all time. Go now and watch it. Never mind this sill blog, just go watch it. I'll be here when you get back.

Hi again, wasn't it awesome? Told you. Now, on with today's episode.

RECAP

We start things off this week with the gang watching Zack and Jason in their b-boy stance. (Is that a basketball reference? Is that what a b-boy is? I honestly have no idea.) We see that Squatt is watching them from behind some bushes and it seems that there is a plan afoot to catch the rangers unawares. Zack pulls some totally styling moves and sinks a long shot. From outside the paint. (Again, I think that's a basketball reference, but I'm just sort of faking it here.) Squatt rubs his hands together with glee, apparently he thinks that the sissy rangers won't stand a chance against the monster he and Baboo are cooking up.

On the moon, Rita is sleeping. In some kind of rocking chair or something. Squatt and Baboo sneak past her and get to work on their monster. It's supposed to be a surprise for Rita. Like a mother's day kind of thing? Baboo reveals that his dark and scary monster is a big clay turtle with a traffic light stuck into his head. In case you think you misread that, I'll say it again. It's a big clay turtle with a traffic light stuck into his head. Squatt is as puzzled as we are about what the hell Baboo thinks they will accomplish with Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head, but Baboo says he'll have to wait and see. Anyway, Squatt comes up with the name “Shelshock” for the little dickens, but I'm sticking with “Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head.” They decide to send some putties down to Earth to soften up our heroes before they send Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head into action.

The basketball game is continuing only now it's Jason and Tommy VS Zack. He's so good at basketball that he can take both of them on! The putties run in and steal the rangers ball. Jerks. Kung Fu happens etc. My favorite part is when Tommy hits a putty in the stomach with the basketball. What a badass. After being squashed by the rangers the remainder of the putties retreat causing Squatt and Baboo to make weepy noises. They decide it's time to send in Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head. Tommy leaves to head to karate practice and the others walk up to a hotdog cart that happened to roll up just as the putties disappeared. Lucky. Coincidentally, Bulk and Skull follow the food into the scene and steal the rangers ball. Heated words are exchanged before the situation turns to fisticuffs. As per usual, the tussle ends with Bulk and Skull falling into the hotdog cart and getting covered in condiments. After the idiocy that was the previous scene, we cut to Squatt and Baboo giving instructions to Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head. They tell him to freeze them with his “stop-ray” (creative name) first. Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head shoots a lazer and blows up the basketball. They're really getting their money's worth out of that prop.

IT'S MORPHIN TIME!

Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head shoots the “go beam” at Trini which apparently makes unable to stop moving, she runs off in the opposite direction of the fight as the other rangers leap into action. They kick him so hard that suddenly they're in the city and not the park. Weird. Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head uses the “stop beam” again on the rangers and freezes them in place. Then (and stay with me here, because it gets a little wiggy) he pulls his turtle head into his turtle shell and pushes out a cannon barrel. He shoots it at the rangers, and it looks like he hits them, but I guess he didn't because Jason just jumps through the sparks and shoots his own laser. Squatt, Baboo and Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head retreat.

On the moon, Goldar is giving everybody shit for doing all this without Rita's permission. We see that Rita isn't really sleeping, just faking it. We don't know why she'd be doing such a thing, but there you go. Another thing that's weird is that Goldar has a completely different voice than usual. Rita wakes up and praises the efforts of her goons. It's like this weird episode takes place in some kind of bizarro universe.

At the command center, Alpha explains that Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head used his “stop ray” on the Blue, Black and Pink rangers and that's why they're frozen in position. He tells Jason that there is no known cure. Didn't Squatt and Baboo just create this guy? Why would Alpha know anything about him? And how would he know about the beam? Bah. Zordon pipes up and says that there is a rare flower that can reverse the effects of the beam. Apparently it only grows on the mountain of hope. He has sent Trini to retrieve it, before Rita destroys them all.

Rita doesn't intend to make it easy for them and she MAKES HER MONSTER GROW! Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head starts knocking over buildings and says this awesome line: “Wait till these teenage mutants see what a full grown turtle can do. Ha! Ninja Turtles allusion. Jason stands around like an asshole in the command center and watches the turtle wreak havoc.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER! NOW!!!

T-Rex charges into action (or rather slowly stumbles into action.) Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head grabs a bat and a big hook and starts to tussle with T-Rex. While this is going on we cut back to Tommy who is just spinning around a stick in a karate class. Doesn't he have a fucking communicator watch? Why didn't the rangers call him when this started? We don't find out yet because we cut to the planet where Trini is still unable to stop moving, but is searching for the flower. At the fight Jason yells for help, apparently his zord can't handle too much more. Zordon tells Trini that he has sent her the Sabre Tooth Tiger zord to help retrieve the flower. She says the words “I call on the power of the sabre tooth tiger to bring me the flower!” and then magically the flowers appear in her hand. The zord doesn't do a god damn thing. WHAT?!

At the juice bar/gymnasium Tommy's communicator watch finally goes off.

IT'S BOTH MORPHIN TIME AND FLUTE PLAYING TO SUMMON DRAGONZORD POWER! TIME NOW!!!

T-Rex and the way cool Dragonzord keep pounding away at Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head. But just when it looks like Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head is finished he manages to nail T-Rex and Dragonzord with the stop beam! But, Trini arrives just in time and sprinkles pixie dust from the flower on Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head which releases all the rangers from the powers of Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head. Dragonzord does the cool “rocket-launcher in its fingers” trick and he and T-Rex blast Clay-Turtle-With-Traffic-Light-Stuck-In-His-Head into oblivion. In the command center, it's high-fives all around. On the moon Rita is pissed and as usual shouts at her goonies. Next time Gadget! Next time!

Back on earth those teens still have nothing better to do than play basketball again. Tommy challenges Zack to a game where the winner must buy lunch. Zack trash talks and buries Tommy. Billy steps up and challenges Zack to double or nothing. Something fishy is going on! Billy manages to steal the ball from Zack and then slam dunks it. I figured there would be a twist here, but there isn't. Billy just dunks the ball and wins I guess and we go to credits. That's a fucked up ending.

THE GOOD

More action that usual, and the rangers being split up means we saw different things than the usual Megazord>Sword>Win combo we usually see.

THE BAD

The weird Billy basketball ending.

THE HILARIOUS

THERE WAS A GOD DAMN GIANT TURTLE WITH A TRAFFIC LIGHT STICKING OUT OF HIS HEAD THAT SHOT MAGIC RAYS AND COULD ONLY BE DEFEATED BY A FUCKING FLOWER.

A good episode coming out of the 5 part Green ranger story! I give it 3.5 power-coins out of 5.

That's it for today, don't miss friday when I'll be taking a look at episode 23 “Itsy Bitsy Spider” in which David Cronenberg comes to town and he and David Lynch have a “who's the more weird” competition with the rangers as judge! (Cronenberg made a movie called “Spider.” I couldn't come up with a funny joke and haven't actually seen it so couldn't really reference it. It's my first day back after a week off, cut me some slack.)

Episode 21 - "Green With Evil - Part V"

Episode 21 - “Green With Evil – Part V”

Hello folks, it's time for the conclusion to the Green Ranger storyline! But first, an announcement. Due to the work-week I've just been through I haven't had time to get any posts in the can for next week while I'm away teaching in the land of no Wi-Fi. So there will be no updates next week. Regular service will resume the following tuesday. (That's August 17.) Thanks for understanding. Now, on with part V of “GREEN WITH EVIL!”

RECAP

We pick up where we left off with the Rangers in shock, having learned that the Green Ranger is none other than Tommy! The rangers are resolved to breaking Rita's spell and saving Tommy!

On the moon the Groovy Ghoulies (my new name for the bad guys) are celebrating the destruction of the Megazord. They are about to launch the final phase of the evil plan to rule the Earth. (Probably just giant monsters stomping around like usual)

The rangers come up with a terrible, terrible plan to split up and search for Tommy. They tell Alpha to keep searching for Zordon while they search.

At the gymnasium/juice bar the teens are all gathered around the TV watching the news coverage of the destruction that Goldar and Rita have been causing. Ernie points out that it's a good thing the rangers are around or else who knows what might happen. Bulk and Skull take issue with that, they feel that they should be the ones being thanked. After all, they were the ones that helped the rangers scare off Goldar. (Liars.) Kimberly asks Ernie if he's seen Tommy, and he points him out to her sitting in the corner. Way to lay low Tommy. Kimberly (as usual, the stupidest broad in the world) marches straight up to the evil, super-strong teenager and confronts him with the knowledge that he's the Green ranger. Lucky for her, Tommy lets her off with a warning for some reason.

Back on he moon, we get some exposition. Apparently there is a Dragonzord that Rita has the power to summon. Rita uses her wand to raise said zord from the ocean. Now we know the final plan to destroy the power rangers. She's going to give this (totally badass) zord to Tommy.

TOMMY NEEDS DRAGONZORD POWER NOW!

At the command center, Alpha is still trying to rescue Zordon with a bunch of techno-babble about accessing his dimensional file (whatever the fuck that means) apparently he does it and now it's only a matter of time before the computer locates the big giant head.

Kimberly explains to the other rangers that she found Tommy and tells them that his eyes were glowing green. (Apparently noone noticed that his eyes have been doing that for the past 5 episodes.) Kimberly informs everyone that Tommy knows all of their secret identities. Just then, Trini charges in to tell the rangers that there is a monster attacking the business district! OH NO! In this economic climate? Rita, will you stop at nothing?!

IT'S MORPHIN TIME!

The rangers leap to the top of a building and see Tommy riding on top of the Dragon zord. Tommy plays a flute (which is his dagger) through his mask (which has no lips) and signals the Dragonzord to launch rockets out its fingers. (I may be the first man in history to write that sentence.) The rangers big plan to save Tommy from Rita's spell appears to be to keep shouting up at the roof for Tommy to stop. Brilliant. Tommy ignores their pleas and keeps playing the dagger-flute and having the Dragonzord attack the rangers. Not so easy without your Megazord is it guys?

Back at the command center, Alpha has rescued Zordon! Alpha explains to Zordon that the rangers zords were destroyed. Zordon tells Alpha that it ain't no thang. He does something that makes their power coins start glowing. Then there's an earthquake and their zords are magically back together. What. The. Fuck.

APPARENTLY WE NEED DINOZORD POWER DESPITE THEM BEING DESTROYED. FUCK.

Anyway, the rangers all jump into their zords and set to work. Zordon explains that if they destroy the Sword of Darkness then Rita's spell will be broken. There's some cool footage of the T-Rex zord and Dragonzord wrasslin' but the Dragonzord is still too powerful for the T-Rex. IF ONLY THE T-REX HAD LONGER ARMS! But, just when it seems too late, T-REX does a jumping jack and drop kicks the Dragonzord, knocking it prone. With the Dragonzord momentarily down, the rangers initiate Megazord sequence. Oh snap, this shit just got real. Megazord picks up the Dragonzord, military press style, throws it into a mountain and then starts wailing on it with the sword. Then it picks up Dragonzord by the tail (Mario style) and flings it into another mountain. For some reason, Jason then apologizes to Tommy because he's going to have to destroy his sword to save him. (I don't get why he's apologizing.) Jason flips out of the Megazord and he and Tommy have a wicked sword fight on the ground. Jason whips out his blaster and starts shooting, but Tommy appears to be bullet-proof while playing his flute. The true revelation is that the Green Ranger wasn't Tommy all along, it was Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull... Terrific. Jason shoots the Sword of Darkness and just like that... Tommy is saved! The rangers morph back into their attitudinal teenage selves and go to Tommy's side. Tommy is all mopey because he did so many bad things under Rita's control. But, Jason convinces Tommy not to sweat it and to join the Power Rangers.

Back at the command center, Zordon explains that the prophecy has been fulfilled (God dammit you big giant head, what fucking prophecy?! You're just making shit up week after week aren't you?!)

IT'S MORPHIN TIME WITH EXTRA STOCK FOOTAGE AND POSING BECAUSE NOW THERE'S AN EXTRA RANGER! HOLY SHIT!

Zordon informs us (and the Rangers I guess) that the Dragonzord can combine with the Triceratops, Sabre-tooth tiger and Mastodon to form a new cool zord called The Dragonzord-in-fighting-mode. Bet you were expecting a cool name, me too. I am super disappointed.

Back on the moon the groovy-ghoulies are making the usual noise. They are super bummed about losing, oh well. At least they still have those sandwiches to look forward to.

In the command center, everyone’s standing around patting themselves on the back. Zordon tells Tommy the rules of the club and he tells Zordon he can count on him 100%. Billy, the fastest genius in the west, has already built a communicator/transporter/wristwatch for Tommy so I guess all that's left to do is jump in the air and pose. Which they do. Awesome.

THE GOOD

The Dragonzord is sweeeeeeeeeet. As was a lot of the fighting in this episode.

THE BAD

HOW THE FUCK ARE THE ZORDS BACK?!! THAT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH!!!!

THE HILARIOUS

I guess the fact that Rita didn't bother sending any of the other groovy-ghoulies to help out was pretty funny.

Despite some ludicrous plot holes (seriously, how in the blue hell are the god damn zords back?!) it was a good ending to that story. Plus, now we have the cool Dragonzord and whatnot. I'm giving this one 4 power-coins out of 5 and the whole Green With Evil storyline the same.

That's all the time we have for today, I'll see you in a week when I'll be back with more Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I leave you with one final Douglas Adams quote.

“"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
"For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?" - Douglas Adams

Episode 20 - "Green With Evil - Part IV"

Episode 20 - “Green With Evil – Part IV”

Hello everyone! Welcome back once again. Before we get into this week's episode I'd like to share a recommendation for a TV series. I've been catching up on “Warehouse 13” in the last couple days and I absolutely love it. It's second season is currently airing on Syfy and it's worth checking out for science fiction fans. Basically, it's about a team of secret service agents who work for a department called “Warehouse 13” the collect, catalogue and neutralize strange artifacts with supernatural effects. It's got a little of everything in it, horror, suspense, comedy, sci-fi. I'd describe it as being a little X-files mixed with some Doctor Who and a little Ghostbusters thrown in for good measure. Check it out and send me an email at joeygruszecki@gmail.com and let me know what you think.

Now, on with the part 4 of the Green Ranger storyline.

RECAP

We start off in the command center with the rangers watching Goldar smash up downtown Angel Grove, (or as Zack puts it “Goldar's blowing the world to bits!”) we waste no time getting into it this week.

IT'S MORPHIN TI... OMGSPARKSWTFMATE?!!

The rangers attempt to morph but there is some kind of interdimensional power surge being caused by the computer searching for Zordon. It has shut off all power in the conmand center including the morphing grid. The world is defenseless!

On the moon, Finster recaps what's going on (in case someone missed last week's episode) saying that giant Goldar is destroying buildings to lure the rangers out into the open with their Megazord. If you'll recall, Rita plans to eclipse the sun so that the Megazord will be powerless and they can destroy it. There is seriously 3 minutes of recap and exposition before we determine that the plan is to shut down the Megazord and let the Green Ranger finish them off.

Back on Earth, Goldar is smashing everything to hell, but the Rangers still can't do anything about it. Billy comes up with a plan (looks like he's just hotwiring the computer) but at last: results! The command center hums back to life and our heroes can get down to business.

IT'S REALLY MORPHIN' TIME FOR SERIOUS THIS TIME!

The rangers start into kicking some putty asses, but before they get too comfy Scorpina charges in and joins the fray. She distracts the rangers so well that they almost don't notice 5,000 foot Goldar trying to stomp on them!

At the command center, Alpha has had some luck in locating Zordon, through the static he tells Alpha that he's in sector C-9 (YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!) and Alpha gets to work trying to lock onto him. At the gymnasium/juice bar everyone is evacuating as it seems the building is about to collapse! Everyone that is, except Bulk and Skull. Bulk explains that he doesn't want to leave the building because he hasn't finished his ice cream yet. Atta boy fatty, good to have priorities. I steel girder falls in front of him and that gives him the motivation he needs to finish his ice cream and he and Skull run out of the building and steal a bus... terriffic.

Alpha nearly has Zordon found, but too late! The Green Ranger teleports into the command center! He unplugs some little cord on Alpha and Alpha collapses in sparks! This doesn't look good!

While all this is going on, Rita hovers in the air on her magical flying bicycle watching the rangers battle and gives Goldar the order to initiate the super-secret plan. Apparently, said plan is for Goldar to grab the bus that Bulk and Skull stole and tell the rangers to surrender or else he'll destory the bus? I guess?

The Green Ranger has one of those “evil will win! No it won't! Yes it will!” conversations with Zordon. He sends him to some other dimension again and apparently this time he's gone forever (I doubt it.)

Apparently while this was going on, Goldar set the bus down on a cliff and now a bunch of putties are rocking it back and forth like a bunch of NFL fans whose team just won a big game. (I promise not to make sports jokes ever again.) The rangers run over to assist Bulk and Skull, but they're intercepted by Goldar!

Back at the command venter, apparently Tommy didn't finish sending Zordon to another dimension yet because of all the taunting. Alpha's backup power kicks in and he tells the computer to set up some kind of power shield or something around Tommy! CAPTURED! For once things are going well for the rangers. Speaking of the rangers...

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER! NOW!

The zords roll into battle and immediately kick into Megazord mode. YOU FOOLS! That's just what Rita WANTS you to do. They get the Megazord up just in time as Bulk and Skull's bus starts tumbling down the cliff, but the rangers manage to catch it and move it to safety. The Megazord was doing well against Goldar so Rita decides to uneven the odds a bit and MAKES HER MONSTER GROW! Specifically she makes Scorpina grow! Then she starts casting her eclipse spell and the Megazord starts losing power fast. I'm amazed how quickly their power cells drained, but Trini suggests they summon the power sword which can apparently charge up the power cells. There is no explanation about how that makes sense, so we just go with it. With the sword, the Megazord starts doing much better agains Goldart and Scorpina.

At the command center, the Green Ranger is still trash-talking Alpha, who gets fed up and tries to unmask him, but too late. Rita teleports him to the battle and MAKES HER GREEN RANGER GROW!!! Goldar and Scorpina kindly step aside so that Megazord only has to fight Green Ranger. The rangers summon what little power they have left to try and finish the fight, but then Goldar and Scorpina join the fray and it looks like it's curtains for the Megazord. Tommy and Goldar combine swords to deal the crushing blow and knock the Megazord into the giant chasm that has opened up conveniently right behind them. The rangers escape, but the Megazord is not so lucky. It falls into some lava and the zords are DESTROYED! Wow. Epic.

I guess the rangers escape because next thing we see they're back in the command center moping around. Everyone but Jason seems ready to throw in the multi-colored towel... Just when all hope seems to be lost the computer delivers some good news. Apparently, when Green Ranger was captured in the force-field the computer locked onto something or other and was able to determine his true identity. The rangers are flabbergasted to see that it was Tommy all along! Which just goes to show how stupid they are because it was RIDICULOUSLY obvious. TO BE CONTINUED!!

THE GOOD

Most of this episode was great! Fast moving, lots of battles and the Megazord got destroyed, that's like the Enterprise going down at the end of Star Trek III! Pretty sweet

THE BAD

Not much. I guess Tommy's dialogue was atrocious as usual.

THE HILARIOUS

Bulk wouldn't abandon a collapsing building because he wanted to finish his ICE CREAM

Overall, the best episode yet. 4.5/5 power-coins!

Well that's it. We're almost to the end of the Green Ranger storyline! I can't wait to see the conclusion. Join me on friday to see the end! I'll leave you again with another quote from the great Douglas Adams:

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.” - Douglas Adams “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe”

Episode 19 - "Green With Evil - Part 3"

Episode 19 - “Green With Evil – Part 3”

Greetings friends! Welcome back. I join you tonight in the itchiest state I've ever been in. Went for a walk with the bride and was positively devoured by mosquitos the size of small birds. But, despite by itchiness I'm ready to rocket with part 3 of the Green Ranger story! Let's roll.

RECAP

We start off with Goldar brutally murdering Jason. Well actually we start with Goldar about to murder Jason, but Jason rolls to the side and the sword misses him. Then Jason just stays low so Goldar can't find him. You see, the jail cell is filled with waist-high fog and mist, bit of a design flaw if you ask me.

Meanwhile, Rita is explaining yet another phase to her plan. I'm not going to go into detail because you know what the stupid plan is. She's summoning another monster. This one's name is Scorpina, can you guess what creature theme her costume is?

At the command center, Alpha is trying to lock onto Zordon but the signal is failing. The signal grows too weak and they completely lose ol' baldy again. The computer is also unable to locate Jason. Zack (being the most perceptive ranger) points out that something doesn't feel right. Really Zack? There's an evil green ranger who's kicked your ass twice, your leader is missing, your base destroyed, your big floating head lost in time and space and you think that maybe, just maybe something fishy is going on? Congratu-fucking-lations Zack, someone give the boy a medal... Anyway, the rangers decide to split up and search for Jason.

Meanwhile, Goldar is still wandering around in the mist stabbing blindly at the ground. As soon as Goldar's back is turned Jason jumps up and kicks him, causing Goldar to stumble. Jason gets cocky and asks what it feels like to be outsmarted by a human. Jason, I hate to be a that guy, but I have to say you didn't really outsmart him. You kicked him and he stumbled a bit, he's still a monster in armor with a sword and you're still a dork in a red wife-beater. The only difference is now he knows where you are. Now who's the idiot?

Back at the gymnasium/juice bar, Kimberly is asking if Ernie has seen Jason. He hasn't, but Bulk and Skull offer their services to find Jason in exchange for sexual favours. (Ok, they just want kisses, but I felt their true intentions were implied.) On her way out of the gymnasium/juice bar Kimberly bumps into Tommy who is still acting like a huge d-bag. Zack arrives and Kimberly tells Zack that Tommy said he waited for Jason yesterday but he never showed. Zack points out that that is totally bogus! They decide to ask Tommy more about it and follow him out to the parking lot.

On the moon, Goldar tells Rita that he thinks Kimberly might suspect Tommy... wait... what?! Goldar says this? How the fuck is that possible? He's in the jail cell playing grab ass with Jason! Come on guys! There's 4 other henchmen who could have made that observation! Oh well, anyway, Rita sees Kimberly and Zack chasing after Tommy down a path in the park and sends her putty patrollers to head them off. The putties sound extra murloggy in this fight. It's pretty ridiculous. As Zack and Kimberly take care of the putties we see a very creepy looking Tommy hiding in the bushes watching them. The best thing about this fight scene is that it's slightly sped up so it looks very odd, especially when the putties fall to ground. After the battle Kimberly and Zack agree that it sure is strange that the putties didn't attack Tommy. COME ON YOU GUYS. YOU CAN FIGURE THIS OUT. FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU.

Back at county, Goldar (who apparently is everywhere) is still chasing Jason around in the fog. Just as Goldar is about to deliver the crushing blow, the green ranger ports into the cell and explains that Rita has ordered that Goldar bugger off so that Tommy can be the one to kill Jason. Goldar leaves without argument and then Tommy and Jason exchange some of the best dialogue in the history of television:

TOMMY: I work for Rita, I'm her Green Ranger.

JASON: SHE'S EVIL!

TOMMY: Yes. And so am I.

Seriously, it's like David Mamet himself wrote this episode. Anyway, karate happens and Jason gets knocked down as Tommy taunts him some more and as usual nothing happens.

Back at the command center, Alpha explains that they will have a fix on Zordon in 15.2 minutes (AND NOT A MOMENT LATER!) and Billy informs everyone that he's fixed the wrist communicators and can thus lock onto Jason and teleport him back to the command center! Good thing too, because Tommy was just about to deliver the coup de gras to young Jason.

On the moon, all the goonies are still talking about Scorpina. Ok, we get it. Her name is Scorpina and she's a badass, just summon her and get on with it.

Billy locks onto Jason and teleports him back to the command center just as Tommy was about to use that bitching sword Rita gave him. Honestly, Tommy has the same problem as all the other rangers, if he spent less time posing and babbling and more time fighting he'd have killed all the damn rangers by now.

Back at county, Goldar is giving Tommy shit for wasting too much time. (Seriously? How long did that Golden Teddy Graham stand around babbling in that cell? What a hypocrite.)

At the command center, the rangers are reviewing what happened to Jason, they brush over the fact that Tommy's story didn't make sense at the school (SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN YOU NOT FIGURE THIS OUT?!!!) The alarm goes off and the rangers see Scorpina running amok and leap into action (after lots of posing and time-wasting of course)

IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!

Scorpina, (who has a great hat) sends a squadron of power rangers to attack the power rangers and the fight is on. Goldar warns Rita that if Scorpina stays down there by herself she's going to get pwned (pretty much what happens to every monster in every episode) so Goldar goes and fetches Scorpina. (Holy shit, all that build up to that character and she's in the fight for 30 seconds before Goldar pulls her out.) All the goonies start arguing about who should go fuck up the rangers. Rita chooses Goldar and then explains that while the fight is going on she's going to work on a spell to cause a solar eclips to block out the Megazord's solar power when the final battle begins. (The Megazord is solar powered? Is it just me, or is that retarded? And why is she planning on how to defeat the Megazord right now? Why doesn't she just send Goldar and Tommy to kill the rangers now? I should be in charge up there, I'd have taken over the world by now.)

Back at county, Tommy is jumping around and kicking the air (practicing?) he says he's ready for another chance to fuck up the rangers. Rita tells him to be patient, she's saving him up.

At the command center the rangers point out that it's weird that every time they go into battle with Rita she pulls back. Almost as if she's holding back in preparation for a bigger battle. For such perceptive kids you'd think one of them would have figured out the whole “Tommy is the green ranger you halfwit” thing. At least the wrist communicators are functional, and they learn that the computer is online again. Alpha manages to lock onto Zordon a wee bit and they hear the garbled static Zordon message again. They learn nothing, but before they can set to working on it again Rita interrupts with her magic wand, screaming MAKE MY MONSTER GROW. (Woot)

Alpha points out Goldar smashing downtown Angel Grove and with that, we cue the music. Or rather the TO BE CONTINUED SIGN.

THE GOOD

The plot was furthered much more this week than last, even if it was a lot of stage setting again.

THE BAD

Goldar being in 2 places at once REALLY annoyed me.

THE HILARIOUS

Scorpina getting less than 20 seconds of screen time. That was brilliant, I wonder if she'll be back or if that was filler?

Overall, up from last week and I'm getting excited to see this story start wrapping up. There's going to be some cool fighting I think, and despite the solar power thing being lame I think it will be cool to see the Megazord have to fight without power. I give this one 4 power-coins out of five.

Well, that's it for this week. I might as well tell you now that my job as a teacher is going to be kicking into overdrive in the next few weeks and I'm teaching some seminars and workshops that will keep me away from home (I'll be out in the bush actually with limited internet access) I'm not planning to miss any updates, but I just thought I'd mention that if I miss a day or 2 in the next few weeks don't be surprised. That said, thanks as always for reading and if you have anything you'd like to say to me (even just hello, it's always nice to hear that someone's reading!) send me an email at joeygruszecki@gmail.com or follow me on twitter http://www.twitter.com/Colonel2Sheds

Well, I leave you this week with another quote from the great Douglas Adams' “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”:

“One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.” - Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy”

Episode 18 - "Green With Evil Part II"

Episode 18 - “Green With Evil – Part II”

Welcome back everyone! Another delayed (but not yet late) installment of our ongoing Power Rangers conversation has arrived. Once again due to work being ridiculous I don't have any fun off-topic stuff to talk about so let's get straight into the episode.

RECAP

Things kick off where they left off last week; in the ruins of the command center. Zordon is still messed up, Alpha is still deactivated and the rangers are walking around recapping what happened last week. Billy is working on Alpha's circuits trying to get him up and running. Billy connects the right doo-hickey's and Alpha seems to be recovering. Before anyone can celebrate too much Jason (AKA Mr. Sad-sack) reminds everyone that everything still sucks and they have no idea who the Green Ranger is.

On the moon, Rita announces the beginning of phase 2 of the big plan. We learn that part of this phase involves giving Tommy the evil sword of darkness. It has the power to keep the Green Ranger under her power forever, so long as the sword is not destroyed.

Back on Earth, Rita instructs Tommy to keep his identity as the Green Ranger a secret. Just as Rita departs Bulk and Skull walk up with intention to bully Tommy. (Apparently they both forgot how intimidating Tommy was the last time they fucked with him.) This time he glares at them really hard. This makes their feet turn green and make them run into a dumpster. Seriously.

At the gymnasium/juice bar, Jason is pissed right off. He's venting his frustration by beating on a punching bag. Zack asks Jason if he thinks it's possible that the Green Ranger is the one responsible for the destruction in the command center? I didn't actually realize that there was any doubt about that. I mean it seems kind of obvious... Anyway, the lads continue their chat and leave off with Jason saying he can't wait to get his hands on the evil jerk.

Back at the command center, Billy and Trini are working on the consoles. Alpha tells them that if Billy can get the generators back online they can fix the communicators and Alpha can begin searching for Zordon. At least we have a plan.

At school, Kimberly sees Tommy and confronts him about missing their date. How very like Kimberly, their mentor is missing, their base destroyed and they got their asses beat by the Green Ranger, but ol' Kimberly is still more concerned about her love-life. You suck Kimberly. Luckily Tommy totally blows her off. It's nice to see someone giving Kimberly shit. Tommy informs her that she's not the center of everyone’s universe. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING OVER 17 PREVIOUS EPISODES DUDE! I like this Tommy guy. Kimberly responds with the awesome “well, excuse me for living” cliché. Heartbroken, she walks away to mope and we see Tommy's eyes flash green (just in case we'd forgotten the reason he's being a douche.)

On the moon, Goldar suggests testing Tommy's strength against the putties before giving him the sword of darkness. They all head down to the planet (to a nice scenic beach)) where they inform Tommy that he must defeat the putties before being given the sword. After a few minutes of putty-ass-kicking Rita bestows upon her Emerald minion the sword of darkness. (What an awesome sentence that was.) The sword of darkness is pretty badass. Tommy announces his intentions of disposing of the Red Ranger first.

Speaking of Red Rangers, Jason is walking through the halls of Angel Grove high looking for Tommy. When he finds him he informs Tommy that he has to cancel their plans to work out together, Tommy acts ridiculously suspicious and then, with Jason's back turned, shoots him with some kind of green lazer which transports Jason to a wacky jail cell. But, he's not alone, Goldar is there too, and he has Jason's power coin for some reason!

Meanwhile, Zack and Kimberly are waiting in Billy's garage for Jason. Before long they decide they can't wait any longer for him and take off in the Radbug to the command center. While they fly Zack notices Kimberly's sour mood. He tells her not to worry, they'll solve all these problems soon. Oh Zack, I think you're being far too optimistic about what Kimberly is upset about, which is what he finds out moments later. Kimberly informs Zack of Tommy's behavior. But, of course they're both too stupid to put jerk wearing green and Green Ranger together.

At the command center, Alpha and Billy decide to test some of Billy's repairs. They have managed to reactivate the wacky crystal ball! They see the Green Ranger posing. What is it about those costumes that make teenagers want to pose? Anyway, Alpha says that he's managed to get limited power to the generator and the morphing grid has locked onto the Green Rangers energy source (I love Power Rangers techno-babble.) Kimberly points out that they can't defeat Greenie without Jason.

Back in county (which is what I'm calling that jail that Jason's in) Goldar is taunting Jason. Jason and Goldar tussle a little bit before Goldar explains to Jason the reason he hasn't killed him yet is that Rita has given Jason to Goldar as a reward for his service... ew.

Back at the command center the rangers decide to go into battle sans Jason.

IT'S UNENTHUSIASTIC MORPHIN' TIME FOR EVERYONE BUT JASON!

A cool fight scene (or rather an ass-kicking) ensues. Greenie makes pretty short work of the rangers and blasts them with some power from the sword of darkness. During the fight Rita informs her goons that she has a green surprise for the power rangers.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER! NOW!

Despite not saying the cool summoning catch-phrase, the rangers do indeed summon their zords. Zack gives the order to form up the Megazord. One thing about this bothers me... HOW THE HELL IS JASON'S ZORD THERE?! Seriously, that is really irritating! Tommy shoots a big laser out of his sword at the Megazord, but the Megazord reflects it back and forces Tommy to retreat. Rita seems annoyed as hell, but her mood brightens when her goons remind her that she has Jason held prisoner.

Back at the command center Alpha explains has made progress on the generator and it's locked onto something. Zordon's voice starts to crackle through, but it's very staticy and they can't really understand him. Before they can understand anything he fades out again.

Back in county Jason makes an attempt to get the power coin back. He fails and Goldar readies himself to finally do away with Jason once and for all. But, before he can kill Jason he freezes in time and the words TO BE CONTINUED appear. SUSPENSE.

THE GOOD

Decent battle sequences and it's nice to have a story be given so much room to breathe.

THE BAD

Well, Jason's zord appearing really irritated me.

THE HILARIOUS

There wasn't a lot of hilarity this week actually. I guess Tommy being tested with such a pathetically easy challenge was kind of funny.

Overall, not as good as last time, but it was a lot of exposition so we can forgive it that. I give this one 3.5 power-coins out of 5.

Well, that's it for today, see you all on friday. I leave you with more Douglas Adams goodness:

“You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen." - Douglas Adams “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
“

Episode 17 - "Green With Evil - Part I"

Episode 17 - “Green with Evil Part 1”

Hi folks, apologies for today's late posting. I've been working crazy hours and haven't been able to devote the time I would like to the blog. But here I am, better late than never right?! No off-topic recommendations today due to the work I've been doing so we'll just get right into today's story. We're finally into the Green Ranger stuff! I've been looking forward to this for a while now! Let's roll.

RECAP

We kick things off this week at Angel Grove Martial arts expo! (Which, of course, is being held at the gymnasium/juice bar.) The team is giving Jason a pep-talk. (Well not the whole team. Kimberly is just drinking a Big-Gulp.) Jason points out that he's going to need all the advice he can get as the kid he's going up against is pretty spectacular (again, except for Kimberly who just says he's cute. That girl is USELESS.) The announcer tells us that Jason will be competing against this new challenger in a martial arts competition.

Rita, meanwhile, has been watching this all unfold and thinks he'd be a perfect Green Ranger! It's such a brilliant idea! She can't believe she hadn't thought of it before now. Neither can I frankly, she's been using the same damn plan over and over again for weeks.

Back at the gymnasium/juice bar, the competition is under way. Jason is winning 2-1 over Tommy (I have no idea how this competition is being judged, but I doubt it really matters.) The fight continues with Tommy gaining the upper hand. With the score tied up the two warriors get back into it. Tommy lands another blow and takes the lead. This is getting boring. Like REALLY boring. Basically it ends with Jason and Tommy battling to a draw. Jason and Tommy shake hands. Tommy seems like a pretty nice fella. Jason's friends are all so proud, even Kimberly offers him some of her Big Gulp. Everyone wanders off to do teenage things, leaving Kimberly who is staring at the ever-so-dreamy Tommy. Sigh, he's such a hunk.

The next day, Kimberly is at her locker when up walk Bulk and Skull. As per usual, Skull is trying to hit on Kimberly who tells him to scram. Bulk says it's time to teach her a lesson. We never get to find out what kind of lesson the fat man had in mind because Tommy walks up and tells Bulk and Skull to beat it. Bulk threatens Tommy which causes Tommy to start jumping around and doing spin-kicks in the air like a lunatic. It has the desired effect though as it sends Bulk and Skull running. Kimberly thanks the big strong man for saving her (for christ's sake, she's a goddamn power ranger and Bulk and Skull are buffoons, it's not like she really needed his help. But, she plays the helpless damsel card and manages to score a date with handsome Tommy for the following afternoon at the youth center.)

Meanwhile, Rita calls forth the power of the sixth power coin. I guess she just had one kicking around. She plans to turn Tommy to the evil green ranger after he faces down some putties in a test!

In an alley full of cardboard boxes and wooden pallettes the putties attack Tommy who beats them repeatedly over the head with a garbage-can lid. He has far less trouble with them than the other five rangers put together usually have. I guess he passed the test.

Rita is very pleased indeed. She prepares her crystal ball to receive him. (whatever that means.) Rita appears before Tommy and blasts him with her wand, teleporting him to a wacky candle-lit cave on the moon. He's unconscious laying on some kind of altar (getting a little “Rosemary's Baby” on us now”) a few magic words later and we have an evil power ranger! Rita instructs Tommy to infiltrate the command center (which he can do now since he's a ranger) and disable Zordon, then he can destroy the other rangers.

At that exact moment, Zordon is instructing Alpha to power himself down and recharge himself. Your timing SUCKS big head. Rita tells Tommy it's time to GET DOWN.

IT'S EVIL MORPHIN TIME!

The Green Ranger is born! He has a bitching set of shoulder pads, but other than that he just looks like another ranger. He teleports into the command center and starts by sticking a mini-disc into Alpha's chest, Alpha starts freaking out and so Tommy yanks some cables out of his back. Zordon wakes up from his wacky meditative state and questions how Tommy was able to enter the command center. Tommy explains that he has a power coin. Zordon is not surprised, it turns out he knew Rita had a power coin and could recruit her own ranger. Why he didn't tell anyone else this I don't know. He does a lot of stupid shit like this. Zordon tries to convince Tommy not to be a dick (Wil Wheaton style!) but Tommy's not hearing any of it. Tommy rips a bunch of cables out of the console and Zordon becomes all staticy. I don't know if that means Zordon's dead (I doubt it) or just needs some rabbit ears or something.

Rita is thrilled that something is finally going her way. She announces that its' time for an even BIGGER surprise. Rita chucks her wand and MAKES HER MONSTER GROW!!! (Wow. Big surprise.) Goldar (he's the one they made big) starts running amok.

Meanwhile, Billy, Jason and Zack are waxing the radbug. Trini and Kimberly turn up, Kimberly is acting all depressed because Tommy never showed up for their date. Just then, Alpha contacts the rangers and attempts to tell them what's wrong. Unfortunately communication and teleportation are both down. Good thing we have the RADBUG. (I knew they'd use that stupid thing again eventually.)

At the command center the rangers discover that Tommy has fucked shit up royally. Zordon is gone and Alpha has a virus! (Should have used Linux). Billy removes the virus (by just removing the disc Tommy inserterted. Terriffic.) The rangers spot Goldar making a mess on the crazy ball viewer thing and leap into action.

IT'S MORPHIN TIME FOR THE GOOD GUYS THIS TIME!

The rangers are immediately attacked by the putty patrol. While the rangers fight the putties Giant Goldar stands back and watches (occasionally hitting rocks with his sword. Why doesn't he just step on them?!)

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER. NOW!!!

The rangers hop up into their zords and combine to form up the Megazord. The go straight into battle-mode and summon the power sword. Goldar does this crazy-awesome jump kick, and then suddenly disappears! Tommy leaps up onto the megazord and gets inside it's head (literally) he punches the rangers which somehow causes them to fall to the ground (did they go through the windshield? Holy shit!) Back on the ground the Green Ranger is kicking all 5 rangers asses quite badly! Tommy does this awesome “Street Fighter 2-Hadoken” style move. It's way cooler than any other shit the other rangers ever do. They get pwned something FIERCE and run away like little bitches. They teleport back to the command center to find Alpha still messed up. The rangers stand around calmly discussing how bad they got their asses kicked and how they'll have to defeat Tommy all on their own. Sorry, but.... THEY SHOULD BE WAY MORE CONCERNED RIGHT NOW! Goldar and Tommy are still out their wreaking havoc while they're standing around the command center like jerks! How will they overcome these odds?! We'll find out next week on another action packed installment of: POWER RANGERS! (did you like that ending I just did? Pretty exciting no?)

THE GOOD

It's great to let a story have some time to unfold and breathe. It makes everything so much less nonsensical.

THE BAD

Not a lot actually, this was definitely the best episode yet.

THE HILARIOUS

I thought Kimberly's Big Gulp was pretty funny.

That was definitely the best story we've seen yet. 4.5 power-coins out of five!

That's all for this week, we'll watch part 2 for tuesday!

I leave you this week with another quote from the brilliant Douglas Adams' “Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy” series:

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."