Episode 11 - "No Clowning Around"

Episode 11 – “No Clowning Around”

Welcome back, my friends to the show that never ends, at least that’s the way it feels sometimes; and we’re only at episode 11! You may have noticed some cosmetic changes to the site and no doubt agree with me that it still looks like shit. Perhaps shit is too strong a word, mediocre perhaps. It looks very amateurish and cheap though (not unlike its author.) I have plans in the works to change this in the hopefully-no-too-distant future. For now, courage.

RECAP

We kick things off this week at an amusement park (possibly an amusement park/juice bar.) Our heroes are watching as Zack wanders around on a pair of stilts. In a move that will surprise nobody Zack starts dancing on said stilts, this of course leads to him falling and another homo-erotic exchange between Zack and Jason. The plucky teens wander off to check out the rest of the fair, leaving a random clown to deal with the stilts. The clown stands and watches the rangers leave, suddenly there is a flash and we at home can see a sort of x-ray of sorts showing that the clown is in fact a putty patroller. I don’t really understand why this needed to be done, but now we know that these clowns are in fact up to no good. Another clown comes up to the putty clown and gives him a friendly pat on the back, explaining that they will soon destroy the power rangers and then they toss their heads back and laugh like a really good simile for laughing that I can’t think of at the moment. (It’s really hot today, cut me some slack.)

Trini walks through the fair with her cousin Cynthia and then we see Bulk and Skull steal some cotton candy from an unsuspecting vendor. Bulk… YOU DON’T NEED ANYMORE CANDY! The rangers and little Cynthia (or possibly Sylvia, Trini mumbles so…) are watching the evil clown (who reassured the putty clown from earlier) juggle. He asks Billy to try to juggle the eggs and of course the eggs land on Bulk and Skull. Cynthia/Sylvia asks Trini if she can stay and play with the clown (whose name is Pineapple). This kid has never read IT.

On the moon, Rita is watching these events unfold and she’s thrilled at how nicely everyone’s walking into her trap. She barges into Finster’s workshop and tells him to get phase 2 ready. She asks if the clown is ready because lord knows she doesn’t want any screw-ups this time. Finster explains that everything’s cool and she needs to mellow out. He tells her that Pineapple will use his powers to turn the rangers one-by-one into cardboard cutouts. Then he’ll turn into a horrible pineapple/octopus monster and destroy the town. Rita digs this plan even though it sounds RIDICULOUS. Squat and Baboo inform Rita that Pineapple is about to make his move.

Back at the fair, the rangers making a lame kneeling pyramid to entertain Cynthia/Sylvia. Trini looks over to see if Cynthia/Sylvia is looking at their awesome pyramid and she sees the little shmuck wandering off holding hands with a creepy clown. This child is even stupider than Engineer Will. What the hell kind of child just wanders off with strange clowns? I’m sure her parents told her not to talk to strangers, but even if they hadn’t this is one dodgy looking clown. This girl will apparently believe/go along with anything that is said to her and I guarantee Cynthia/Sylvia will be pregnant before the end of high school assuming she survives whatever Pederast Pineapple has in store. Trini is not nearly panicked enough, and casually wanders off to look for stupid cousin. She’s now lost a “little-sister” and a cousin. Who keeps putting these girls in her care? Anyway she keeps searching and eventually finds the little brat, she tries to take her back but the clown says to pound sand. Pineapple turns Cynthia/Sylvia into a cardboard cutout and then bolts. For some reason he doesn’t transform Trini (the POWER RANGER) and she runs back and finds the rest of the rangers. Jason sends Trini back to the command center and then grabs a megaphone and tells everyone in the park to run away. Without ANY convincing all the park patrons start screaming and running for their lives. Billy tells them to “Bipedally ambulate to the nearest convenient outlet” and miraculously no one beats him up for being such a fucking nerd. With the park abandoned the rangers notice that there’s some “harmless clowns” left. But… OH NO!!! THOSE AREN’T CLOWNS! THOSE ARE PUTTY PATROLLERS!!! Billy is lured away by Pineapple leaving the Kimberly, Zack and Jason to fight off the mob of puttys. The rangers use their environment to fight the puttys (translation: they run the puttys over with roller-coasters and such) and then the four rangers regroup and confront Pineapple who melts and turns into the weird Pineapple/Tentacle monster.
Rita is watching all this happen and decides that Pineapple could use some backup and sends Goldar, Squatt, Baboo and a butt-load more puttys to assist.

IT’S MORPHIN TIME!!!

There is some great footage of the rangers fighting the puttys and some discussion about how Pineapple has slipped away while they were fighting. In the command center, Alpha tells Trini that according to his scans all that’s missing from Cynthia/Sylvia is water! He pours a bucket of water onto the cardboard cutout and it revives Cynthia/Sylvia. This is by far the stupidest power-rangers science we’ve seen in the whole show. I mean BIG-TIME retarded.

Back at the battle, Pineapple tries to use his cardboard dust on the rangers but it turns out that their suits protect them from that particular magic power. Not one to be discouraged, Pineapple clobbers the rangers anyway. Rita senses a victory is near so she MAKES HER MONSTER GROW!!! Pineapple laughs evilly as Trini charges into battle and Jason utters his familiar catch-phrase.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER NOW!!!

80 foot leaps, poses and catch-phrases follow and then Trini charges in in the sabre-toothed tiger zord. Billy launches the horns off the Triceratops zord to tie up Pineapple and then Zack shoots ice out of the Mastodon zord to freeze Pineapple in his tracks. Jason calls for Megazord power. Billy explains that a multi-phase energy blast should weaken Pineapple. They launch the cannons on the Megazord and put Pineapple on the ropes. Jason says it’s time to finish him and they activate battle-mode. Megazord unleashes a move we’ve never seen before and shoots lightning out of his helmet which sends Pineapple down for the count! Naturally this doesn’t sit too well with Rita who as usual yells at Finster, poor beleaguered Finster, goes to show that crime doesn’t pay. Especially if you work for an evil space queen whose voice doesn’t match her lips.

There’s a little denouement in the park with the rangers and Cynthia/Sylvia and Zack on his stilts again, but it’s so fucking stupid we’re not even going to discuss it.

THE GOOD

Lots of fighting and we got to see the zords do some stuff before forming Megazord for once.

THE BAD

Alpha pours a bucket of water on cardboard to save Cynthia/Sylvia

THE HILARIOUS

They fought an evil clown who turns into a pineapple/tentacle monster. COME ON


Lots of battles this week means I give this one 3.5 power coins out of 5. Would have scored higher, but the cardboard thing was just too stupid.
Well that’s it for today, don’t miss Friday’s installment where we take a look at episode 12 entitled “Power Ranger Punks” where the Rangers get possessed by evil spirits and have to be defeated by special guest stars: THE RAMONES.

Episode 10 - "Happy Birthday Zack"

Episode 10 – “Happy Birthday Zack”

Well after some bad craziness and a couple of missed deadlines we’re back and into DOUBLE DIGITS! I have officially spent more time on this project than I did on my 2 brief forays into post-secondary education. So I guess it goes to show that you don’t need to go to university to be a success, so long as your definition of success is writing a sarcastic blog about Power Rangers twice a week! Let’s get to it.

We start things off this week at the gymnasium/juice bar with a closeup shot of the very cleverly named “cake-o-matic.” Ernie is dicking around with it while Billy dances around with an oldschool walkman! Unfortunately Billy can’t hear what’s going on around him because of the kickin’ groove and Ernie has some trouble with the “cake-o-matic” and ends up covered in blue foam. It’s never really made clear how exactly the blue foam was going to produce cake but let’s not forget Billy made a flying Volkswagen so anything’s possible.

On the moon Rita is cackling away about needing to produce a present for Zack’s birthday. I will admit I was a tad distracted by Billy’s dancing so I don’t actually remember anyone mentioning it was Zack’s birthday but the episode is called “Happy Birthday Zack” so we’ll just assume everyone knows. Finster explains he’s going to make the perfect monster for wiping Zack out for good.

Back at the gymnasium/juice bar Billy can’t figure out what the heck is wrong with his useless machine. Jason comes up and thanks Ernie for keeping the gymnasium/juice bar open late so they can decorate for Zack’s surprise birthday party. Ernie starts to tell the plucky attitudinal teens the crazy thing he heard about the Power Rangers and Billy plays dumb: “The Power Who?” Look, I understand that you’re supposed to keep your identity a secret but we’ve seen several newscasts talking about the Rangers AND let’s not forget they pilot GIGANTIC FUCKING ROBOTS THAT FIGHT EQUALLY GIANT MONSTERS! To pretend to not know what the Power Rangers are is not only suspicious it’s downright retarded. Shame on you Billy, I’d expect that kind of idiocy from Kimberly, but you? You should know better. Anyway Ernie compares the Rangers to Batman and Jason tells Ernie that he heard that the Rangers are space aliens, which freaks Ernie right out. In parade Bulk and Skull who proceed to blow their noses on the banner for Zack’s birthday. Skull starts into hitting on Trini who pushes him into a pile of… something. (The video quality on this file was low for me so I can’t really see what the hell it was, but it seemed to annoy him.) Jason and Billy trick Bulk and Skull into running head first into a large metal pole (I have no idea where it came from) and then Skull runs into the “cake-o-matic” and gets covered in more foam. Oh you guys, can’t you go one week without getting covered in some sticky goop?

Back in space Rita says she needs a special type of beast this time. They settle on “The Nasty Knight” he’s a big dude in armour. He actually looks pretty cool.

In the gymnasium/juice bar the teens are nearly finished with the set up for the party. Ernie runs in and informs them that Zack is on his way in and we have a fast forward montage of everyone tearing everything down. Zack strolls in and asks if Ernie has seen the gang, Ernie plays dumb in possibly the best piece of acting we’ve seen in a Power Rangers episode ever.

Meanwhile, Squatt, Baboo and Finster are pounding on an anvil building a magic sword for the Nasty Knight. Rita casts a spell and summons the Nasty Knight! I’m a bit confused because usually Finster just creates everything, but whatever.

The next day Zack approaches Kimberly and asks her if he looks any older, she plays dumb (not a stretch) and says that he looks the same. Zack seems a little disappointed. Well, actually he seems really heartbroken. Look, I get that we want the party to be a surprise but that doesn’t mean all his friends have to pretend they forgot about him. The party is the part that’s supposed to be a surprise. The rest of the gang walks up to Kimberly and asks why Zack seems so depressed, Kimberly informs them that “he thinks we forgot his birthday” gee Kimberly, I wonder why he thinks that. Anyway, they decide that he’ll be fine once they surprise him.

At this point we’re more than halfway through the episode and have yet to see the monster or the rangers in action. I sense a rushed power sword ending on the horizon.

We cut to Zack wandering alone in a canyon soliloquizing (now that’s a god damn word-a-day calendar worthy word) about how much his friends suck for forgetting his bday. Suddenly, Zack is ambushed by Rita and her goons with the Nasty Knight in tow!

IT’S MORPHIN TIME! BUT JUST FOR ZACK!!!

Zack leaps into battle with his cool axe and starts dueling the Nasty Knight, but the NK busts out a crazy sword lazer blast which explodes Zack but good. Goldar gets involved and blasts Zack again and then Squat and Baboo blow up some weird bomb thing for no apparent reason. At the command center Alpha and Zordon notice that Zack is getting pwned and he sends the rest of our heroes to the rescue.

IT’S MORPHIN TIME FOR EVERYONE ELSE THIS TIME!!!

The Rangers charge in to assist their friend, but the Nasty Knight isn’t too worried. He uses his crazy sword and ruins the rangers fancy weapons! Jason instructs the rangers to use their blade blasters and do the wacky shoulder pyramid triforce laser shooty thing, but NK just shoots their blast back at them! Rita pitches in and makes NK grow! Things are getting serious.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER! NOW!!!

After the longest zord summoning sequence EVER (seriously they go through each ranger summoning their zord separately, it’s like 2 minutes of stock footage) the rangers waste no time (well ok, they waste a little time posing, but not much) in forming up the Megazord. It was quite nice of the Nasty Knight to wait so patiently while all this bullshit was going on but Rita’s goons are nothing if not patient. The Nasty Knight is still getting the upper hand in the fight though so, Jason summons the Power Sword (told ya) but Nasty Knight manages to FRY IT! OMG!!! Nasty Knight drops the Megazord and starts curb-stomping him. While Nasty Knight takes a page out of the rangers playbook and poses for a while Zack figures out that the reason NK is beating them is that he absorbs their power. The Megazord shoots some special laser out of his eyes that apparently stops this and then the Megazord does the crazy sword move and blows him up! As usual, Rita is piiiiiiiiiiissssseed.

We cut to the gymnasium/juice bar where everyone pops out to surprise Zack. He is SO surprised, he was bumming (his words) but now it’s all good. But, uh-oh! The cake-o-matic goes mental again and Billy and Ernie flop around in sticky goo while all the other teenagers dance around to this really really weird happy birthday song into the credits!

THE GOOD

It’s nice to see a monster give the rangers a bit of a challenge before they inevitably destroy it with the stupid power sword.

THE BAD

I dislike power sword finishes, they’re too easy and overused.

THE HILARIOUS

The cake-o-matic. ‘Nuff said

Hey now! That was a bit more like it, the usual stupidity aside I kind of dug that one! That might be nostalgia speaking because I distinctly remember owning this episode on VHS when I was a wee lad, but regardless it was a fun episode. 4 Power Coins out of 5.

Well, that’s it for this week. Thanks everyone for going along with the missed days and the schedule change I’m going to try really hard to make sure there aren’t any more interruptions in the schedule. If you have any comments or questions or just want to say hello send me an email at joeygruszecki@gmail.com I’d like to hear from you! Don’t miss next week’s exciting story “No Clowning Around” which sees the rangers square off against my old 8^th grade science teacher who used to accuse me of clowning around all the time… I hope the rangers stomp the bitch.

Another Interlude? What a jerk...

Hello again folks.
I seem to have missed another monday :( While I do have a reasonable excuse (visiting the wife's grandparents in the land of no internets) I feel that I must make some kind of a change in order for the blog to be able to continue more-or-less uninterrupted. So starting this friday new posts will be going up on tuesdays and fridays. Hopefully I'll be able to start working ahead a little bit to make sure that I have some episodes in the can in case these circumstances come up where I can't make deadline.

Thanks for reading!

Joey

Episode 9 - "For Whom the Bell Trolls"

Episode 9 – “For Whom the Bell Trolls”

We’re back after a week of absence. I apologize again to everyone for not having a post up on Monday and thank those of you who emailed in for your free hand drawn picture of a duck. I have some more done up so if you’re still interested in receiving one just send me an email at joeygruszecki@gmail.com and I’ll either scan and email it to you or snail mail you the original. Now, onto the episode

RECAP

We start off this week at Angel Grove High! (It’s like the first time we didn’t start at the gymnasium/juice bar!) A teacher is introducing the fact that it is “hobby week” at Angel Grove High. (I know what you’re thinking, I thought the same thing. What the fuck is “hobby week” and why are high school students having show and tell?) Trini has volunteered to share her interests with her classmates, we learn that Trini collects dolls that apparently represent many cultures from around the world. When she says this all the teens nod appreciatively and make noises of approval. Whoever wrote this episode never went to highschool. If someone tried to show their classmates their collection of multi-cultural porcelain dolls they’d be mocked, savagely beaten and made to eat their own hair. (Which actually sounds preferable than being forced to be SHOWN someone’s porcelain, multi-cultural doll collection but, I digress.) Bulk and Skull are unimpressed, and neither am I. I say give Bulk and Skull power coins, they’d make awesome rangers. Trini picks up a freaky troll doll which is named Mr. Ticklesneezer (who the fuck comes up with the names on this show?!) and says it’s her favorite because it belonged to her mum. Trini tells us that there is a legend that says that Mr. Ticklesneezer has the power to capture people and put them in a magic bottle, not a great power but let’s face it his name is Mr. Ticklesneezer.

On the moon, Rita is bitching that she never got to play with dolls when she was a kid so she’s decided to take out her buried childhood aggression on Trini. The chubby teacher asks Jason to tell the class about his hobby and we see him spin a large stick around and make kung-fu noises. Bulk and Skull remain unimpressed. Zack is next, you’d expect him to do some dancing since that’s the only thing we know about his character so far, but instead he stands on a desk and pretends he’s surfing and it looks exactly as stupid as you probably think. Next up, Kimberly demonstrates a handstand. Her hobby is handstands. Billy shows us his homemade volcano (the same stupid experiment you’ve seen in every elementary school science fair, only this one’s purple.) Just then the bell rings and everyone goes to leave. Bulk sneaks up and steals Mr. Ticklesneezer and he and Skull start tossing it around, but after some shenanigans Bulk gets his mouth filled with purple lava. Gross.

That night we see the inside of Trini’s room where she is saying goodnight to her dolls, her room looks like the unicorn room in the movie Dodgeball. She turns out the light and we cut to the moon where Rita notices that Trini is very fond of Mr. Ticklesneezer. This raises a point I hadn’t thought of before… Rita is watching Trini sleep. She’s an evil screechy shrew hell-bent on the domination of the planet… AND she’s a voyeur. Awesome. Rita decides she’s going to fuck shit up (I’m paraphrasing) and Goldar sends Squat to steal Mr. Ticklesneezer from Trini’s bedroom. It seems like they probably could have just teleported it to the moon since they could teleport him down there but whatever. Squatt shoots the creepy little doll with a weird laser gun and makes Mr. Ticklesneezer grow really large and come to life. They both teleport back to the moon where Rita grills Ticklesneezer on his skills. TS informs them that he collects “goodies” in a bottle. The goons suggest he capture the Power Rangers! Brilliant.

The next day Billy has offered to help Trini search for Mr. Ticklesneezer, Trini figures she probably left him somewhere at school (even though she put him on the shelf and said goodnight to him before bed.) Ticklesneezer lands down on earth to start collecting goodies, he starts by stealing a motorcycle and putting it in his bottle, then he steals what appears to be the Eifel tower (what that was doing in Angel Grove I have no idea.) Billy and Trini pull up to an intersection where Billy suggests someone may have stolen Mr. Ticklesneezer when Trini looks up and sees the creepy little gnome himself! Neither of them seem at all surprised or disturbed by the fact that TS is now 6 feet tall, before they can do anything Mr. Ticklesneezer puts them in his magic bottle. They are afraid Ticklesneezer will try to crush them, but he explains that he doesn’t want to hurt them he just wants to keep them in his collection forever.

On the moon, Rita sends Goldar down to make sure Ticklesneezer is doing his job and we cut to the gymnasium/juice bar. Jason and Zack are sparring while Kimberly watches. Jason gets the upper hand and kicks Zack in the gut, which causes Kimberly to make “googly eyes” I guess watching Jason kick the shit out of his friend turns her right on. She brings them some 2x4s which Jason places on some cinder blocks that happen to be in the gymnasium for some reason. Before Jason punches them Kimberly says “I’m amazed at how many years of training it takes to do this without hurting yourself.” Because remember kids, this is a tv show and Saban doesn’t want to get sued because you’re a dumbass. Jason breaks the blocks with no problem, Bulk steps up to prove that it’s not so hard at all. He does so by punching a birthday cake, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds. Jason is about to try 5 blocks when their walkie-talkie/watch/transporter/communicators beep. They teleport to the command center, where Zordon and Alpha show them Billy and Trini on the crystal ball. Jason points out that they’ve been captured by Mr. Ticklesneezer (which just sounds stupider every time I type it.) Zordon informs them that Rita has Ticklesneezer under her spell. Billy and Trini call out for help and Kimberly points out to everyone that that is in fact Billy and Trini… thanks.

Zordon reveals that Rita has sent Putties, Squat, Baboo AND Goldar to help Ticklesneezer and the rangers have their work cut out for them.

IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!!!

The rangers, perhaps sensing how much work there is to be done, keep the posing to a minimum and set to work beating up putties. Ticklesneezer attempts to sneak off but trips over another cinder block (who is leaving these things everywhere?) His bottle of goodies goes flying through the air but Kimberly manages to catch it before it shatters. But she’s attacked by Goldar and the bottle goes flying again. It lands on some train tracks which is unfortunate because a train is coming!!! Just when it looks like it might be too late, Kimberly slow-motion jumps through the air to grab the bottle, because of the seriousness of the situation she only poses once. She releases Billy and Trini from the Glass Prison (I wonder if that’s what the Dream Theater song is based on. If you haven’t heard that song, do so and then that joke will be funnier)

IT’S BILLY AND TRINI MORPHIN’ TIME!

Blue and Yellow join the fray and kick some putty arse. Ticklesneezer (who seems a bit slow) asks what happened to his bottle? Rita shows up and tells Ticklesneezer to stop making excuses and collect the rangers. She throws her stick and makes him grow! Goldar and company take this as their cue to exit and leave things to the creepy giant gnome.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER. NOW!!!

Everyone waits patiently for the stock footage to be over (I never get tired of that joke.) and then the rangers combine their zords. I’d like to see them occasionally try to defeat the monster without activating the Megazord, but it’s not happening today. Jason activates battle mode and things get serious. Zack takes charge and tells the rangers that the first thing they need to do is get the bottle away from Ticklesneezer. This confuses me. The bottle was already taken away from him, Kimberly took it and dealt with it, so why the hell does Ticklesneezer have it again? Anyway, Ticklesneezer opens the bottle and captures the megazord in the bottle! But, it’s a pretty short captivity as Jason summons the megasword which knocks the bottle out of Ticklesneezer’s hands and releases the megazord. Jason demands Rita release Ticklesneezer or they’ll bottle her up forever!!! Rita says the rangers will meet them again and teleports back to the moon. The rangers convince Ticklesneezer to relinquish all the stuff he stole. It turns out Ticklesneezer’s not a bad guy, he’s just misunderstood. There is a montage of all the things Ticklesneezer stole being returned until it transitions to Trini rolling around in her bed dreaming. She keeps repeating the phrase “give it back Ticklesneezer, give it all back.” Somewhere on the internet, someone has written slashfic about this.

Ok… so… What the fuck?! This whole god damned episode was a dream? Ticklesneezer is small again and just hanging out on the bed. Trini says she has too much Rita on the mind and goes back to sleep.

The next day it’s Bulk and Skull’s turn to demonstrate their hobby at school. Bulk informs everyone that they like parasites. Apparently they collect fleas from stray neighbourhood dogs. They lift a curtain to reveal a tiny circus, but… OH NO! WHERE ARE THE FLEAS?!!! They’re all on the teacher and she’s itchin’ like a muthafucka! Isn’t that hilarious? No, I didn’t think so either. But, then I’m still pissed off about this episode turning out to be a god damned dream! It’s like the ending of Super Mario 2! It bothers me more because there wasn’t really any reason why it had to be one, the story (stupid though it was) was still well within the realm of possibility for this show. Oh well…

THE GOOD

Goldar was actually involved in a battle for like 30 seconds so that’s something.

THE BAD

IT WAS A GOD DAMNED DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

THE HILARIOUS

The most hilarious thing is that I’ve typed the word: “Ticklesneezer” THIRTY times in this blog. (31 counting that last one.)

Well, despite the stupid dream ending it was not a terrible episode, though not as good as the last 2. I give it 3 power coins out of 5.

Well, that’s it for this week, don’t miss Monday when we’ll be taking a look at episode 10 (double digits ya’ll!!!) entitled “Happy Birthday, Zack” a title which unfortunately doesn’t immediately pop a lame joke into my mind. Hopefully Kimberly will pop out of a cake or something. See you next week.

An Interlude...

Hey folks...

So... funny story... I ended up with a gigantic project that required my attention in most/all of my spare time this weekend. A project which I thought I'd have a week to work on and it turned out I only had this weekend.

Anyway, the point is there wasn't time to subject myself to a Power Rangers episode this weekend. For this I apologize. I know I have a responsibility to watch this show twice a week so that you don't have to and I promise to make it up to you in some way. If you email your mailing address at joeygruszecki@gmail.com I will send you a hand-drawn picture of a duck. I hope that makes us even.

Joey

Episode 8 - "I, Eye Guy"

Episode 8 – “I, Eye Guy”

It’s been pouring rain here all week so there’s not a whole lot of “being outside” to be done right now. So what better way to spend my time than watching the Power Rangers?! Here we go…

RECAP

This week we start things off in Billy’s garage where Billy is showing a young boy (dressed in Steve Martin’s “train operator” costume from “The Jerk”) some science or something. Billy instructs the other rangers to put on some big glasses which Trini describes as “morphenomenal.” The young lad pushes a button his control device and the thing on the counter (which looks like an air conditioning spinny thing like you see on top of buildings) starts spinning. All the rangers start yelling “WHOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH!!!!!” and we see that they’re watching some kind of crazy roller coaster simulation. Kimberly gets dizzy and screams for them to stop, the young boy (who we learn is named Willy) stops the game and everyone takes off their glasses. Jason asks if Willy invented this game (not really a game Jason, but whatever) and Willy says he did and is planning to enter it into the junior science fair. Billy and Willy pack up their spinning roller-coaster simulator thing as they don’t want to be late for the science fair. Rita has been watching all this go down and is so impressed by young Willy’s intelligence that she decides to steal it. Apparently that kind of thing is possible when you’re Rita.

Billy and engineer Willy (that’s what I’m calling him from now on) are walking with the rest of the rangers through a field when they are jumped by puttys. There is some slow-motion kung fu and lots of putty wubbles (that’s what I’m calling the noise the bastards make. It’s like Merloc annoying…) The rangers fight off the putty’s and Billy asks engineer Willy if he’s ok. Willy says he is and they hurry off to the science fair. I have one, teeny, tiny little quibble with this… WHY WAS WILLY SO LAID BACK ABOUT THE WHOLE THING?! I mean for crying out loud he was just attacked by a team of claymation S&M monsters. Also, you think a kid that smart would figure “hey, my teenage friends with attitude sure are good at fighting those things, and they seem to know a lot about them, and they’re not at all freaked out to see them show up… gee, I wonder if they’re the flipping power rangers?!” But, I digress.

On the moon Finster tells Rita about his plan to use Eye Guy to capture the smartest children on earth. Apparently this mofo can detatch a giant eye from himself and imprison children in it. Rita thinks this sounds just dandy and tells Finster to get on it.

Back at the science fair, (which is being held in the gymnasium/juice bar which seems to house EVERY event that happens in Angel Grove) Billy and Engineer Willy are setting up the VR Air Conditioner. Billy and EW do a very strange secret handshake that includes suspender snapping and get to work.

On the moon, Finster has Eye Guy all ready, he rattles off a bunch of eyeball/seeing puns and we cut back to the gymnasium/juice bar where Bulk and Skull are complaining about the abundance of nerds at the science fair. Bulk approaches a kid with a spray gun and instructs Skull to spray some. Skull complies by spraying Bulk, causing the fat man’s pants to disappear. If there’s one thing I learned in chemistry class it’s that spraying strange liquids on yourself is not a smart move. Anyway, Bulk seems fairly unfazed by the whole thing (his pants disappearing are among the less embarrassing things that have happened to him on this show.) Billy tells Bulk and Skull to knock off their shit and Bulk doesn’t like that. Billy insults Bulk’s intelligence and Bulk threatens to clobber him. Jason and Zack step in and piss them off some more so Bulk and Skull start throwing punches. As usual this goes poorly and Billy wheels Bulk and Skull on a dolly into some girl’s “fashion makeover machine.” Horrifying noises come out of the machine and Bulk and Skull emerge dressed in drag. Science is wonderful. This uptight, “stick-up-the-ass” professor type walks over and hassles Engineer Willy about the whole thing. He disqualifies Engineer Willy despite Willy having NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Engineer Willy gets real down on himself, he feels like he can’t do anything right. Look kid, I know it sucks that you got blamed for this, but stop being such a little turd.

Squatt and Eye Guy are hiding in some bushes watching Engineer Willy sitting mournfully beside a lake. Eye Guy shoots a crazy lazer out of his eyes which teleports him into a big gyroscope for some reason. I wonder if that’s what limbo’s like? An eternity of astronaut training, but you never get to go to space…

The rangers find Engineer Willy’s lucky cap and think that Rita might have something to do with it. Just then, Zordon calls the rangers and so they teleport to the command center. Zordon informs the rangers that Engineer Willy is being held inside the internal vortex, which is a world inside of Eye Guy’s eye. The only way to rescue him is to destroy Eye Guy’s wacky detatchable eye.

IT’S MORPHIN TIME!!!

Flips and poses followed by some Rangers fighting Eye Guy action ensues. They’re not having much luck solo so the rangers decide to spend 30 seconds posing and combining their weapons. They blast eye guy who blows apart into a bunch of little eyes, the rangers start celebrating, but their excitement is premature. Eye Guy reanimates himself and knocks the rangers down into a gorge. Zordon contacts Billy and tells him to leave the others to fight Eye Guy and go to a location south of where he is. That’s where Eye Guy’s eye is hanging out. Billy runs off and starts fighting the eye, he gets a good shot in with his bad ass blue lance which makes sparks explode off of Eye Guy proper. Rita’s through messing around so she throws her stick off the moon and makes Eye Guy really big.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER. NOW!!!

The rangers flip up into their cockpits and do some serious “powering up” posing. Eye Guy waits patiently for the stock footage of the zords combining to be finished before he shoots red lightning out of one of his eyes. Jason initiates battle mode and the Megazord is activated! Eye Guy keeps shooting eyes at Megazord causing all kinds of sparks. The awesome guitar music kicks in signaling Jason to summon the megazord. The Megazord does his big ol’ slash move and blows the Eye Guy eye thing up. Engineer Willy has been saved!!!

The rangers walk back into the science fair with Engineer Willy where the dickhead professor and Ernie and playing with Engineer Willy’s roller coaster thing. Professor Dickhead apologizes to Engineer Willy for being such a twat. He even gives Willy first prize! Bulk and Skull walk in in towels and demand their clothes be returned to them. Trini obliges them, but… OH NO! Bulk and Skull’s clothes have shrunk! NOW WHAT THEY GONNA WEAR?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

THE GOOD

A pretty decent episode actually, I liked seeing Billy do some solo fighting with his cool weapon. Too often it’s all Jason and his lame sword.

THE BAD

Engineer Willy is about the lamest character ever. Worse than Deaf Girl and Creepy Girl from last week.

THE HILARIOUS

Billy and Willy’s crazy secret handshake was AMAZING.

Another good episode! That’s two in a row now, I give this one 4 power coins out of 5.

Well, that’s it for this time. Don’t miss Monday when we’ll be taking a look at “For Whom the Bell Trolls” wherein Rita gets the idea for a monster from a Metallica concert. At first everything goes really well, but then the monster starts being a dick and yelling at everyone about downloading mp3’s, claiming to be “madly in anger with them” while Squatt and Baboo record the worst sounding drums in the history of music. Don’t miss it!

Episode 7 - "Big Sisters"

Episode 7 – “Big Sisters”

It’s Monday and that means it’s time once again to check in on the adventures of everyone’s favorite teenagers with attitudes, the power rangers.

RECAP

We begin this week where we so often begin; the Angel Grove gymnasium/juice bar. Kimberly and Trini are searching for a little girl with pigtails. Jason and Zack are sparring, or possibly dancing, but they stop to talk to their friends. Zack is shirtless FYI if you’re into that sort of thing. The girls explain that they’re searching for a 12 year old girl whom they’re supposedly responsible for as a part of a “big sisters” program. Apparently they’re responsible enough to be granted the power of the power rangers and save the city over and over but can’t keep track of a 12 year old. While this is going on we cut to a door being opened. On the door is a label which reads: “HOT WATER SHUT OFF” which made me laugh out loud. Someone opens the cupboard and turns off the valve which causes about 20 guys to run out of the locker room with towels around their waists. This confuses me. Apparently when their water was shut off the guys who were in mid shower grabbed towels and decided to run out of the locker room, wouldn’t it make more sense to just get out of the shower until the water is fixed? Also, why is there a marked valve for the hot water in the middle of a gymnasium/juice bar? Teenagers are assholes, of course someone’s going to shut it off. While I’d have expected Bulk or Skull to be the culprits the perpetrator is revealed to be none other than… MARIA! (The 12 year old I guess.)

Trini and Kimberly sit down with little Maria and explain that they’re not mad, they just want to know what the fuck the little shit was thinking! Maria (who by the way has the WEIRDEST voice I’ve EVER heard in my life, seriously it would be less weird if she had Goldar’s voice.) explains that she just wanted to get their attention. Kids are fucked up. Kimberly and Trini tell her to be herself and they’ll be her friends no matter what. Kimberly and Trini offer to take the little shit disturber on a picnic and we cut to the moon.

Rita provides us with some truly hilarious exposition. I offer up her first line verbatim: “I’ve located the ancient power eggs, and with them we’ll be free of the power rangers.” The Ancient Power Eggs. I didn’t even know they were lost! She’s going to use the eggs to surround the rangers with an evil force that not even Zordon will be able to stop. Not surprising since Zordon has basically done fuck all so far in the series. He just sits around and watches stuff on his magic 8 ball. Rita and her goons head down to some wacky cave to retrieve the ancient power eggs, but discover they can’t open the box! Rita remembers that only a child can open the box. Well, lucky for her there IS a child in this episode! Like last week when only the deaf chick could save the day! Finster creates a monster that “can his hands on a young brat. Ruthless, nasty and mean.” Finster suggests Justin Bieber but is shot down, instead he comes up with “the most horrifying chicken the world has ever seen.” Yeah, kids love chickens. Can’t get enough of ‘em.

Kimberly, Trini and freaky Maria are having their picnic. Kimberly asks who the raddest boy in Maria’s class is. Maria tells her they’re all dorks. Kimberly laughs and tells Trini “she’ll learn…” I hate to break it to you Kimberly, but with this kid’s freaky voice? She’ll be lucky if Mr. Kaplan makes a pass at her when she’s older. (Or possibly sooner, let’s face it; Kaplan’s pretty weird too.) Suddenly, putty patrollers charge out of the bushes and start making a ruckus. Kimberly and Trini do some light posing and some slow-motion kung fu. But, it’s no use; Maria has been KIDNAPPED!

Back at the gymnasium/juice bar, Ernie serves up “The Ernie Special.” A giant ice cream sundae that looks like it weighs about 60 pounds. At least now we know the reason for Ernie’s obesity… Kimberly and Trini burst in and report Maria’s kidnapping to the guys. They try to contact Zordon, but discover that their wrist watch/teleporters/communicators are not working. They still need to get the command center so Billy takes them back to his garage and shows them the souped up VW beetle he’s been working on. “The Radbug.” (seriously.) He tells them it does 0-3000 in 2.8 seconds, so they all climb in and take off for the command center. Literally “take-off.” Billy said it was fast, but failed to mention that it can fly. The rangers land in the command center and Trini tells Zordon that “our old pal Rita is at it again.” I love that they actually talk like that. Zordon informs them that Rita has discovered the power eggs and he’s been worried about her doing so for 10 millenia. (Why didn’t he just hide them in the command center?) He explains that the eggs are bad news. He doesn’t really explain what they do, only that they need to stop Rita from getting them and then chuck them into the ocean for some reason.

In the cave we have a brief interlude where Squatt wants to eat the eggs, but the wacky chicken dude won’t let him. What a great show. The goons emerge from the cave with the eggs and the chicken teleports away with Maria. Zordon basically tells Alpha “screw the kid, we need the eggs dude!”

IT’S MORPHIN TIME!

The rangers unleash a new power that we’ve never seen, they flip into the air and stand on each others shoulders. Then they pose so hard that they shoot a laser blast. It’s pretty messed up. Rita flies by on a magical bicycle (!) and whines that her eggs are floating away! Meanwhile, Alpha tells the rangers that the chicken monster has Maria tied up at “the old factory.” I sure hope there’s only one in Angel Grove because that direction is a little vague.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER! NOW!

2 minutes of stock footage, kick ass guitar music and awesome posing later, the rangers power up their power crystals and summon the MEGAZORD. Jason activates “battle sequence” and we’re treated to still more posing and stock footage. Rita offers Maria’s safe release in exchange for the power eggs, Jason ignores it and so Rita tells the chicken to use his giant hedge clippers to cut the rope Maria is hanging on. In an very very anticlimactic moment, the Megazord just catches Maria. That was easy. Billy summons the Radbug via remote to get Maria to safety. Rita throws her stick and makes the chicken monster really big (what hasn’t worked 5 times before is sure to work now.) We learn that the only thing more ridiculous looking than the chicken monster is the chicken monster really large and fighting the Megazord. Jason summons the power sword and the theme music kicks in which tells us that they’re probably about to kill the chicken. One lightning sword swipe later and the chicken is fried. (HA! FRIED CHICKEN GET IT! I kill me…) As usual, back on the moon Rita is pissed right off and takes her frustration out on her long suffering goons.

At the gymnasium/juice bar Ernie and some random extras are watching a news report about how the power rangers saved the day yet again. Kimberly holds a giant bucket of veggie chili over her head and asks who wants some free chili? Everyone rushes her and starts pushing (no one in this gymnasium/juice bar knows how to queue!) Kimberly, being a useless tit fumbles the bowl and drops it on Bulk’s head. For once, Bulk was just minding his own business (while Skull admired a salt shaker for some reason) and this happens. I really feel bad for Bulk, his ice cream is ruined! Kimberly makes an insincere apology and we go to credits as Bulk softly weeps into his ruined ice cream. Kimberly… you suck.

THE GOOD

A somewhat coherent story and less dicking around in the gymnasium/juice bar than last week

THE BAD

What the hell was that monster about? Chubby Chicken? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!

THE HILARIOUS

The ancient eggs or power, their power is surpassed only by their mystery and their unintentional hilariousness is surpassed only by the freaky 12 year old MARIA. Seriously, I kind of wish the chicken had eaten her.

Overall, I’d say it was one of the better episodes yet. Not a TON of action, but enough humor and it moved along pretty quick (unlike last week) I give this one 3.5 power coins out of 5.

Well, that’s it for this week, next up is an episode called “I, eye guy” which stars the great Marty Feldman as the titular “eye guy”… or possibly something less awesome like a monster made of eyes. If I know this show I think it might be the latter.

Episode 6 - "Food Fight"

Episode 6 – “Food Fight”

Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends. Or at least that’s how it sometimes feels (and yikes we’re only one episode 6!) Let’s get right into the episode

RECAP

We start things off at the gymnasium/juice bar where a “cultural food festival” is happening. We see lots of plucky teenagers wandering around with sombreros and then Ernie enters wearing Hawaiian lei’s (to match his standard Hawaiian shirt) and an armload of cream pies. Uh-oh, anyone else see where this is headed? Ernie orders Bulk and Skull to come assist him with the cream pies. Let me repeat that. Ernie, asks Bulk and Skull (the guys who’ve ended up with cream on their faces in 2 of the last 4 episodes) to come help him with his precariously balanced cream pies. How Ernie is able to run this business is beyond me. In a bit of classic bait and switch Bulk and Skull just carry the pies off without incident… but have we seen the last of those pies? Only time will tell. Mustachioed and toupee clad Mr. Kaplan comes up and starts talking to Kimberly and Trini, through some very subtle (cough…) expository dialogue we learn that the cultural food festival is going to raise lots of money for the preschool and daycare center (presumably they’re both also juice bars.) Mr. Kaplan wishes to sample some of the merchandise but is shot down by Kimberly who tells him “he’s gonna have to pay if he wants to try it.” Something tells me that’s not the first time Mr. Kaplan has heard a woman say those words… Ernie tells the kids to get back to work and Jason remarks that he hopes Rita isn’t hungry for trouble today. Way to jinx it muscle-head.

On the moon Rita seems to have come down with something, she’s screeching more than usual. (That’s how you can tell…) Squat figures showing her the food fair will make her feel better. It doesn’t. Back at the juice bar/gymnasium the festivities are in full swing. Bulk and Skull have hatched an evil plot to hit the people at the fair with cream pies. I KNEW IT! Bulk attempts to hit Mr. Kaplan with a cream pie but just takes his toupee off and hits Skull. Skull does his best John Belushi impression and announces that it’s FOOD FIGHT TIME!!! This whole scene is there simply to set up Rita for this line: “Food fight?! I’ll give them a fight for their food!”… terrific. Finster is told to create a special “pudgie pig” monster. Rita plans to have him eat all the food on earth. Diabolical. Finster mutters that he’s doomed for sure. Not a lot of confidence in your work there Finster. The monster is sent down to earth and we see him in all his glory. Well, perhaps glory isn’t the right word. He’s a pig face with weird stubby arms, freaky legs and a Centurions helmet. Yeesh. Anyway, this monster is hungry and proceeds to go dumpster diving .

Back at the food fair, the rangers are huddled in the corner talking about how they have to stop everyone’s fun and save the food fair! I thought they were supposed to be teenagers with attitude! Jason grabs a sausage link and uses it as a pair of nunchucks. His fancy ninja-sausage moves distract Bulk so badly that he drops the pie on his on face. There’s a bit more pie throwing and then we cut to park (curiously filled with dead grass) where some plucky teenagers are enjoying a picnic. Pudgie Pig charges in and ruins their nice afternoon. Back at the juice bar/gymnasium the fight is still in full swing. We see a ridiculous sequence wherein Zack pretends to be a matador and makes Bulk charge him. The whole thing culminates in Kaplan getting soaked in punch, he gets pissed right off and blames the rangers for the whole fiasco. He puts Jason and his friends in charge of cleaning up the juice bar/gymnasium. Just then, Zordon contacts the rangers and tells them to teleport to the command center.

At the command center the rangers watch Pudgie Pig on the big magic crystal ball. Zordon informs the rangers that he will consume the entire supply of food in the world in 48 hours which is laugh-out-loud stupid.

IT’S MORPHIN TIME!!!

Pudgie Pig jumps 20 or so stories in the air onto a rooftop. Not to be undone the rangers follow suit and jump as well, but they add flips and poses because they have such attitudes. The rangers attempt to attack Pudgie Pig but he gets the upper hand and EATS THEIR WEAPONS! Pudgie Pig does a jumping jack and makes a lightning bolt shoot out of his mouth that somehow teleports the rangers to that same field of dead grass, out of costume somehow! Zordon cuts in and says what is possibly the greatest line in the history of television: “Power Rangers! While you were caught in the pigs vortex he found his way into your food festival and is causing chaos!” We cut back to the juice bar/gymnasium where the pig is causing exactly that. Everyone is terrified, but it seems there’s not much to be afraid of; the pig just seems to want to eat the food and then he teleports away just before the rangers charge in. Jason points out that they should really stop that pig, Kimberly points out that the pig ate their weapons. Has everyone just forgotten that they can summon gigantic dinosaur robots? Anyway, Trini comes up with a plan. She points out that the pig ate everything except for the spicy food. I guess Zordon made a mistake, Pudgie Pig will eat all the food in the world EXCEPT for anything with spice. Billy then suggests they use the spicy food to defeat the monster. Everyone praises Billy for his genius plan. I don’t mean to nitpick, but IT WAS TRINI’S IDEA!!!

Meanwhile on the moon Rita points out how happy she is that things are going well for once, she keeps yelling at Finster who seems to have gotten a bit big for his comical overalls. He’s so pleased with himself and his monster that he’s actually ignoring the crabbiest woman in the galaxy. Ballsy.

IT’S MORPHIN TIME AGAIN!

The rangers teleport to a food packing plant where Pudgie Pig is causing a ruckus. The rangers pose with their plates of food which they proceed to throw down to the pig. Trini loads some red hot radishes (is that a thing?) into a hero sandwich and throws it into the monsters mouth which causes him to deflate (!) and barf up their weapons. The rangers combine their gross barfy weapons into the rainbow gun and let ol’ Pudgie have it! When Rita finds out, she’s piiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssed.

The rangers wander back into the juice bar/gymnasium and discuss how awesome they are, but then they notice that the food fair is STILL a huge mess. Trini wonders if they have made enough money for the playground equipment. (I thought they were raising money for a preschool/daycare/juice bar?) Zordon contacts the rangers and congratulates them on a job well done, Alpha steps in to save the day and teleports some sandwiches to them which they then sell to Mr. Kaplan for 20 dollars. Unfortunately he buys the one full of the spicy sandwiches and upon taking a bite demands water! Trini hands him a big jug and he for some reason pours it on his head with his mouth closed. This is one weird dude.

GO GO POWER RANGERS!

The Good

The Monster was so ridiculous that he was actually the best part of this episode

The Bad

The only really bad thing was that we didn’t get much action. The fight scenes are very very short, and unfortunately all the crap in the juice bar/gymnasium takes forever

The Hilarious

Mr. Kaplan may be the most unintentionally hilarious character ever.

Overall, a pretty decent episode. I give this one 3.5 power coins out of 5.

Well that’s it for this week. Don’t miss Monday’s installment where we’ll be discussing episode 7 “Big Sisters” in which Rita sends an army of nuns to defeat the rangers AND correct their penmanship with sharp raps on the knuckles with giant power rulers. You don’t want to miss it!