Episode 7 - "Big Sisters"

Episode 7 – “Big Sisters”

It’s Monday and that means it’s time once again to check in on the adventures of everyone’s favorite teenagers with attitudes, the power rangers.

RECAP

We begin this week where we so often begin; the Angel Grove gymnasium/juice bar. Kimberly and Trini are searching for a little girl with pigtails. Jason and Zack are sparring, or possibly dancing, but they stop to talk to their friends. Zack is shirtless FYI if you’re into that sort of thing. The girls explain that they’re searching for a 12 year old girl whom they’re supposedly responsible for as a part of a “big sisters” program. Apparently they’re responsible enough to be granted the power of the power rangers and save the city over and over but can’t keep track of a 12 year old. While this is going on we cut to a door being opened. On the door is a label which reads: “HOT WATER SHUT OFF” which made me laugh out loud. Someone opens the cupboard and turns off the valve which causes about 20 guys to run out of the locker room with towels around their waists. This confuses me. Apparently when their water was shut off the guys who were in mid shower grabbed towels and decided to run out of the locker room, wouldn’t it make more sense to just get out of the shower until the water is fixed? Also, why is there a marked valve for the hot water in the middle of a gymnasium/juice bar? Teenagers are assholes, of course someone’s going to shut it off. While I’d have expected Bulk or Skull to be the culprits the perpetrator is revealed to be none other than… MARIA! (The 12 year old I guess.)

Trini and Kimberly sit down with little Maria and explain that they’re not mad, they just want to know what the fuck the little shit was thinking! Maria (who by the way has the WEIRDEST voice I’ve EVER heard in my life, seriously it would be less weird if she had Goldar’s voice.) explains that she just wanted to get their attention. Kids are fucked up. Kimberly and Trini tell her to be herself and they’ll be her friends no matter what. Kimberly and Trini offer to take the little shit disturber on a picnic and we cut to the moon.

Rita provides us with some truly hilarious exposition. I offer up her first line verbatim: “I’ve located the ancient power eggs, and with them we’ll be free of the power rangers.” The Ancient Power Eggs. I didn’t even know they were lost! She’s going to use the eggs to surround the rangers with an evil force that not even Zordon will be able to stop. Not surprising since Zordon has basically done fuck all so far in the series. He just sits around and watches stuff on his magic 8 ball. Rita and her goons head down to some wacky cave to retrieve the ancient power eggs, but discover they can’t open the box! Rita remembers that only a child can open the box. Well, lucky for her there IS a child in this episode! Like last week when only the deaf chick could save the day! Finster creates a monster that “can his hands on a young brat. Ruthless, nasty and mean.” Finster suggests Justin Bieber but is shot down, instead he comes up with “the most horrifying chicken the world has ever seen.” Yeah, kids love chickens. Can’t get enough of ‘em.

Kimberly, Trini and freaky Maria are having their picnic. Kimberly asks who the raddest boy in Maria’s class is. Maria tells her they’re all dorks. Kimberly laughs and tells Trini “she’ll learn…” I hate to break it to you Kimberly, but with this kid’s freaky voice? She’ll be lucky if Mr. Kaplan makes a pass at her when she’s older. (Or possibly sooner, let’s face it; Kaplan’s pretty weird too.) Suddenly, putty patrollers charge out of the bushes and start making a ruckus. Kimberly and Trini do some light posing and some slow-motion kung fu. But, it’s no use; Maria has been KIDNAPPED!

Back at the gymnasium/juice bar, Ernie serves up “The Ernie Special.” A giant ice cream sundae that looks like it weighs about 60 pounds. At least now we know the reason for Ernie’s obesity… Kimberly and Trini burst in and report Maria’s kidnapping to the guys. They try to contact Zordon, but discover that their wrist watch/teleporters/communicators are not working. They still need to get the command center so Billy takes them back to his garage and shows them the souped up VW beetle he’s been working on. “The Radbug.” (seriously.) He tells them it does 0-3000 in 2.8 seconds, so they all climb in and take off for the command center. Literally “take-off.” Billy said it was fast, but failed to mention that it can fly. The rangers land in the command center and Trini tells Zordon that “our old pal Rita is at it again.” I love that they actually talk like that. Zordon informs them that Rita has discovered the power eggs and he’s been worried about her doing so for 10 millenia. (Why didn’t he just hide them in the command center?) He explains that the eggs are bad news. He doesn’t really explain what they do, only that they need to stop Rita from getting them and then chuck them into the ocean for some reason.

In the cave we have a brief interlude where Squatt wants to eat the eggs, but the wacky chicken dude won’t let him. What a great show. The goons emerge from the cave with the eggs and the chicken teleports away with Maria. Zordon basically tells Alpha “screw the kid, we need the eggs dude!”

IT’S MORPHIN TIME!

The rangers unleash a new power that we’ve never seen, they flip into the air and stand on each others shoulders. Then they pose so hard that they shoot a laser blast. It’s pretty messed up. Rita flies by on a magical bicycle (!) and whines that her eggs are floating away! Meanwhile, Alpha tells the rangers that the chicken monster has Maria tied up at “the old factory.” I sure hope there’s only one in Angel Grove because that direction is a little vague.

WE NEED DINOZORD POWER! NOW!

2 minutes of stock footage, kick ass guitar music and awesome posing later, the rangers power up their power crystals and summon the MEGAZORD. Jason activates “battle sequence” and we’re treated to still more posing and stock footage. Rita offers Maria’s safe release in exchange for the power eggs, Jason ignores it and so Rita tells the chicken to use his giant hedge clippers to cut the rope Maria is hanging on. In an very very anticlimactic moment, the Megazord just catches Maria. That was easy. Billy summons the Radbug via remote to get Maria to safety. Rita throws her stick and makes the chicken monster really big (what hasn’t worked 5 times before is sure to work now.) We learn that the only thing more ridiculous looking than the chicken monster is the chicken monster really large and fighting the Megazord. Jason summons the power sword and the theme music kicks in which tells us that they’re probably about to kill the chicken. One lightning sword swipe later and the chicken is fried. (HA! FRIED CHICKEN GET IT! I kill me…) As usual, back on the moon Rita is pissed right off and takes her frustration out on her long suffering goons.

At the gymnasium/juice bar Ernie and some random extras are watching a news report about how the power rangers saved the day yet again. Kimberly holds a giant bucket of veggie chili over her head and asks who wants some free chili? Everyone rushes her and starts pushing (no one in this gymnasium/juice bar knows how to queue!) Kimberly, being a useless tit fumbles the bowl and drops it on Bulk’s head. For once, Bulk was just minding his own business (while Skull admired a salt shaker for some reason) and this happens. I really feel bad for Bulk, his ice cream is ruined! Kimberly makes an insincere apology and we go to credits as Bulk softly weeps into his ruined ice cream. Kimberly… you suck.

THE GOOD

A somewhat coherent story and less dicking around in the gymnasium/juice bar than last week

THE BAD

What the hell was that monster about? Chubby Chicken? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!

THE HILARIOUS

The ancient eggs or power, their power is surpassed only by their mystery and their unintentional hilariousness is surpassed only by the freaky 12 year old MARIA. Seriously, I kind of wish the chicken had eaten her.

Overall, I’d say it was one of the better episodes yet. Not a TON of action, but enough humor and it moved along pretty quick (unlike last week) I give this one 3.5 power coins out of 5.

Well, that’s it for this week, next up is an episode called “I, eye guy” which stars the great Marty Feldman as the titular “eye guy”… or possibly something less awesome like a monster made of eyes. If I know this show I think it might be the latter.